The Struggling Musician/College Dropout

sirjulius.tumblr.com

Follow me there. I don’t think I’ll be posting here anymore. 

Sometime this week I’m going to create a new tumblr. Something less depressing. Maybe I’ll come back here once in a while to write about more serious topics, but for now I want to expand out to more people. Kind of hard to do when I can’t follow, reblog, or even communicate with anyone via tumblr without my private one being shown. 

When I first moved to Temecula, the only people I hung out with was a small group of kids at lunch. 8 years later I find out that one of the girls had become one of the most beautiful, talented, successful girls I know. I must admit, I’m pretty jealous. Doing what you love and being able to go somewhere with it? That’s everyones dream. 

I thought about other people I knew and what they’re doing. I know quite a few that really don’t do anything but party and hang out, but I also know a lot of dancers and a few musicians. In my eyes I honestly I can only see very few of them taking it somewhere. I guess I just had one of those moments where I looked around and thought… what’s everyone doing with their life? What am I doing with my life?

Crazy how 8 years ago I never thought I’d be where I am now, nor did I think the people around me would be the way they are. It’s dope to see someone actually making it. I don’t know her that well but she seems like despite what she got, she’s still down to earth and doing what she’s doing for the love of it. 

Much Admiration. Much Respect. 

More than likely tomorrow will be the same as today. Same problems, same good stuff. Right now I’m content, but tomorrow or even later tonight might not be the same. Nothing will change, except my attitude or realization. 

Just saying. Life isn’t horrible, but it’s not like it’s amazing at the moment. It really all depends on who’s asking, and what I’m thinking about. 

When people get pissed they make up excuses to make themselves feel better. Like when a guy leaves a girl for a new one, she tells herself that the new girl is uglier. Obviously that’s usually not the case, but if they just tell it to themselves and it makes them feel better, then go I don’t see the issue. Or guys can make up excuses like I wasn’t really trying when you got that quadrakill on us. Shit like that. 

At days like this I tell myself that bitches ain’t shit but hos and tricks. Of course if you know me I don’t act like it, cause I really don’t believe it. But I like to lie to myself to avoid disappointment. 

To be completely honest though, I don’t really need new friends or a girl to hang out with all the time. 

I love getting inside. Doesn’t matter how you look like. Maybe if you’re more attractive I’ll stare at you more. If not… we’ll it’s the feeling that matters. We can do it over the phone, but I prefer doing it in person. Yeah, it’s not quite the same over the phone. You got to actually be there. And I’m a one on one guy… most of the time anyways. Maybe 2 or 3 others. But I always feel like I’m being left out, so I like to keep it one on one. I prefer females, but occasionally a guy will get through. Sometimes I do it with people I just met. Sometimes I do it with someone I’m attracted to. I’ve done it with exes. I’ve done it with friends. I mean, you really don’t have to be in love to do it. A lot of times the first time is a bit awkward. But there are a few times where I go deep right away. Usually it takes a while though. I want to explore every part of you. I never want it to end. I just want to… talk. 

I love getting inside your mind. I love talking. Conversing. Getting to know you. You… whoever you are. 

…………………………………

I wrote that to go along with another post I had in my private blog. Here’s the part that I really liked the most…

It was then that I figured out in that conversation itself that it’s really just not my thing to be that person. I find much joy in conversing for hours beyond hours with a single person. I don’t care what we’re talking about or what we’re doing. I want to explore thoughts; stupid or not. I want them to make sense and be clear. I want our only distorted and hallucinated and tripped out thoughts to come only from the lack of sleep we’ve received due to talking late into the night. It’s not that I completely hate being social with others or going out to a party. It’s just that above all of those, I prefer to really communicate with someone. 

What makes you different? What REALLY makes you different? What do you do that others don’t? I’m not talking about others as in that other random group of people you kind of know. I’m talking about between you and your friends. Your crew. 

Not trying to hate or anything, but really think about it and open up your mind.

How far would you go to do “what you love doing” if none of your friends are a part of it? How far would go to to do “what you love doing” if no one appreciated it? If no one understood it? Dancing, photography, music, art, partying, raves, etc. Sure some of those activities are a bit strange to do alone, but if you really loved what you did then why does it require friends? Maybe it’s not about the activity, it’s about your friends.

Make memories and do your thing. I don’t give a fuck what people do to have fun. Just don’t rep that shit like it’s what YOUR all about. Realize that it’s your friends that make the memories, not what you’re doing. Then you can see that none of that bullshit you think you care about matters. 

It works the other way around. If you really care about something, then do it. Make some friends that do what you do, and don’t let the ones that think it’s stupid hold you back. 

I say this cause I see a lot of people following trends and thinking they’re different. I say this cause I see a lot of people not doing what they really want to because their friends aren’t. 

The people that are the best at what they do are usually the ones that actually like doing it. That, or they love being recognized in it in general; aka “selling out.” I don’t really see it as a bad thing though, if the benefits are greater than the cost. 

Anyways, the point of this blog is just for those people to take a look at themselves and really think about how different or artistic they are. Like dancing. I’m not saying it’s not fun, I’m not saying that people who do it suck or anything, but they are far from artistic if they’re going along with friends to copy each other’s moves.

I thought about my last post and really though about just trying to talk to someone. I tried pushing the limits on “talking” but I never went far before I felt I was trying too hard. 

Answer me this… Would someone be a shitty friend if they didn’t to hear the girl they’re interested in talk about some other guy, or would it be worse for the girl to know that and talk about him anyways? 

One can say that if a guy really likes a girl, he would be happy for her and support her. But I’ll argue that if a girl is really friends with a guy, she wouldn’t want him hurt. 

Guy or girl, it doesn’t matter. It’s an issue all of us face when one friend falls for the other but it’s not mutual. 

What do you think?

Valentine’s day is coming up, and I have yet to find one. It doesn’t bother me really; I’m more so interested in saving my cash for something useful. That, and I don’t find anyone worthy. Or, let me rephrase that. I don’t find anyone of interest. Yeah that can be a good thing, like in this situation, but often times… it’s almost worse than being turned down. 

In life you have goals. Some people want to be rock stars, some want to be nurses. Some want to be a billionaire, some want a simple life. People have goals. Whether it’s something near impossible like traveling to Mars, or something as simple as being a gardener. Whether it’s to cure cancer, or to dance around the world. They are things that people live for. They give them reasons to wake up and strive to be the best that they can be. It’s rare for someone just to stop. Even if they do achieve what they wanted initially, people always want more. It’s just common sense… even if things are good… why not go for better? Even some lazy people who are lazy have goals, they just don’t do much about it.. I wouldn’t say that people who don’t have goals are satisfied. I’d say they’re just lost. To wake up with nothing to live for, no direction, no dream. Even if it’s unachievable, or even if you’re too lazy to achieve it, if you’re not dreaming then you’re just asleep.

The same goes for your love life. I believe that 99% of people have a goal in there “love” life. The reason why I quote love is because it might not be about love. The goal could be to hook up with that attractive and promiscuous girl. Likewise, it can be all about love. The goal could be with a couple who’s been together for 50 years that want to live as long as they can and die right before the other one so they feel nothing instead of having that pain of losing the other. Even people who want to be single have “love” life goals. I say this because I know people aren’t staying single or break up to be alone, they stay single to see the opportunity in others. 

You just can’t replace that feeling of wanting someone. That someone who will get you thinking, get your mind stuck, get your heart pumping, get your palms sweaty, get you dreaming about the what ifs and the possibilities that maybe happen between you and that person. And in your love life, much like life in general, even if you get turned down, or it seems like it’s impossible, you still have your mind to fall back on. You can still hope, or even pretend, and enter your mind where you’re doing what you want, and being with who you want to be with. 

And much like life… it sucks when you have no goal. It doesn’t bother me at all that I don’t have someone, but its pretty boring to not have someone in mind. I don’t wake up and fall asleep with anyone in mind. When my friends are going out on double dates, I’m not bothered that I don’t have anyone to go with, but more so I have no one I really care to ask to join. Even if I went to a club and I saw that cute girl, I wouldn’t bother to try and hook up. She can catch my eye, but not my heart. If I were a bit more adventurous/horny, maybe I would try, but I really don’t care to make any effort. The next morning I’ll just be in the same place anyways; with no one to think about. 

Earlier I was half-joking about not finding anyone worthy. There are a ton of pretty faces, but a lot of times it just ends there. If it goes past that, then there’d be something about them that would just make it not  worth it to put anymore effort it. Whether she’s interesting in another guy, if at all, or I’d have to commit to her religion, or I’d have to do a million things… they’re just not worth it. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t run a million miles for a girl, it’s just that I haven’t found anyone worth running even 100 for, and honestly, it’s boring. 

I’d hate to compare people to money, but think of it like this… let’s say someone offers you a million dollars (like the most amazing girl ever), but you’d have to kill a dozen puppies. I’d think it wouldn’t be worth it. Now let’s say someone offered you 100 dollars (an okay average girl), but you have to kill one puppy. Again, not worth it. Then there are times where people will offer you a 1 dollar to walk a mile. I could walk a mile no problem… but again… not worth it.

Back to the point… it doesn’t bother me at all that I don’t have a Valentine. It won’t bother me if to know that I won’t. It more so bothers me that if I did want a Valentine, I wouldn’t know who to ask. There’s no one in particular I’d get those sweat palms and heart racing for. I mean, I can probably find a Valentine. But really what good would that do if I don’t really “like” that person? 

I just want to state again clearly… that I’m not complaining over the fact that I’m single or alone. I don’t care if I’m not holding a hand, or not sleeping with someone. What I’m saying is that when those times come when I’m up all night bored, or going to the movies, or walking by couples on Valentine’s day… there’s no one to think about. It’s like I’m emotionless. My thought’s aren’t so much “I want someone” as it is “I wish I could care about someone.” 

In the end I guess there are a lot of benefits. Not wasting money or time, focusing on school and work. Putting more effort on my life goals, not wasting it on someone that might not matter a month from now. But I guess it’s like the saying goes… it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.